It seriously has been forever since I wrote in here. For a while I was just diarying in a word doc. but then my computer crashed and all was lost and I just stopped writing down my thoughts and fears. This is probably why I felt compelled to come back because they are just as present as ever. Currently I am facing graduation in December and dealing with the fear of change and growth. The answer to the question of what I'm going to do after graduation is still a huge ? mark, and that terrifies me. Oh the possibilities...
This is all for now, will post more later.
I was going to stop writing in here. But then I changed my mind. I was going to write a full drawn out entry here updating my diary on my life over the past few months as so much has happened. But I haven't the energy nor the desire.
So this will suffice...for now?
I feel it happening. I feel that ever so crazy stopping and starting of my heart as he holds me tightly in his arms. I know now, more then ever before, that he feels it too.
It's crazy in a way, how disbelieving I've been for so long that Jay could ever truly like me. I've known that he's been with Jennifer, but even more I've known that he's not happy with her. And yet, I've suffered along for months wanting nothing more then to be with him. Yet, in the last couple weeks things have escalated rather quickly between us...leading up to our first kiss last night.
Yes, our kiss.
We were on the patio outside after a long night of work together. We were both closing. We sat there, him rubbing my legs, etc...as he always does. Looking at me in that way he always does. And all I could do was ask what? as I always do, because if he was single I'd know what he wanted but because he has her it's hard to know if the longing in his eyes is really for me.
Sure enough it was. And we kissed. And it felt like the world was on a stand still. Like it was just the two of us and no one else was alive.
Of course I had to ruin it. Word vomit came out. All I could say was "Why do you have a girlfriend? Why are you with her? How are you with her!?!?!"
We ended up being interrupted at that point by co-workers coming to talk to us so I was terrified by the possiblity that he realized I was wrong for him and she was right.
So today it was impossible to function without thinking of him every moment. Then I got a call from a couple friends of mine to go to the festival that's across the street from where we work. Immediately I bolted up and went, despite my exhaustion, because I knew that would give me the opportunity to see him. I don't work until Thursday because of finals and that just seemed like an eternity to me. Besides, without seeing him there's no way I'd be able to focus on my finals anyway.
Well, I know that he likes me. I didn't have the chance to talk to him that much because as usual people won't shut up around me. All these people kept talking to me and I wanted to yell SHUT UP! at them but of course didn't. He did tell me though that he got no sleep last night because he was up all night trying to figure out things.
Meaning, he laid in bed next to his girlfriend piecing together in his mind his feelings for me in comparison to her.
I'm sure he wants to leave her. In response to my "Why are you with her?" question he told, "I shouldn't be. It's not a good relationship." and I can't help but see how miserable they are together.
Yet, I don't want to be naive. Even though all the signs point in my favored direction I still know that he's ultimately going to have to make a huge choice. Me or her. And it could go either way.
I just can't help but think that he feels the same way. In fact, there's no doubt in my mind that his heart does that same thing mine does. There's no doubt in my mind.
I just hope he's strong enough to follow it.
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
So I feel absolutely powerless. If I think back on all the guys I've liked throughout my life I've always managed to get them in the end. People say that it's my 'great' personality mixed in with my good looks. Whatever. And yet, when it comes to this whole situation with Jay I'm completely powerless.
Yesterday he told me that he had a sex dream about me and he can't stop thinking about it. All I could think was wow, he had a sex dream about me...lying next to his girlfriend. That's a little skanky. But I can't help but feel the way I do about him.
How can he tell me all the things he does and go home to her? How can he devote all this time to me and making me happy and making me laugh and giving me massages, etc...and then go home to her? It seems unjust. Not only because I feel like I deserve to be happy and he deserves to be with someone who makes him happy...but also because Jennifer deserve someone who will give her more then he does. Someone who won't go off and be all over another girl, telling her how unhappy he is in the relationship, and all around deceitful. It seems unfair.
I think in the situation we all deserve more. I'm tired of people telling me that me and my 'boyfriend' (meaning him) are so cute. I'm tired of having the time of my life with him only to leave and him go off to her. If he's not happy why doesn't he get out. There's no way I'm going to do anything. I'm not going to put my life on the line for him, all I can do is wait. But what is he waiting for?
Are guys just this lazy when it comes to breaking up with people? If he's not happy...why doesn't he leave?
* * * *
So last night a bunch of my friends us went out to the Corner Pub and had a really great time. I love going out in large groups of my friends, when there's a group of us the fun is more exagerated. We danced. We drank. I got on stage. It was a lot of fun. The only downside of everything was running into people from my high school.
Personally, I think it's really pathetic that these people I went to high school with are still so connected to each other. They're all still paired up together. I mean, COME ON! BRANCH OUT! There's a whole other world out there. So it made me happy when the six people from my high school said hi to me and I was there with a group of my friends...none of which I went to high school with. It was just validating in a way, that I've managed NOT to have peaked in high school.
Which brings up the best point of all, I just get better and better as time goes on...
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
I hate blameless situations, well...situations where the only person to blame is myself. Yet, I continually put myself in these difficult situations. Today I knew I'd be exhausted so I got rid of my work shift thinking it would give me plenty of time to rest after class this morning and then plenty of time to study for my test. So here I am, at 12:30...and I'm just beginning to study for my test tomorrow and I didn't even go to class today.
The blame I suppose would land on the Grey's Anatomy finale, because even though I haven't watched that show the last few episodes and thought I'd lost interest in it...after five seconds of watching it I was completely hooked.
But the most disgusting thing about myself today is everything that I had to eat. In fact, the only thing I pretty much did today was eat...so much that I haven't ate in over three hours and I STILL feel all this food laying there in my stomach. It motivated me to work out, for the first time in way too long...which only led to me feeling sick. However, I won't let myself throw up. That would be the easy way out and hopefully I can remember this feeling of disgust to prevent myself from ever ending up here again.
Mainly, I'm just so disappointed in my lack of motivation today. It's so funny how I am either on or off. When I'm on I bust my ass and work harder then I ever thought possible. When I'm off, I do nothing but lay on my ass and am lazier then I ever thought a person could be.
God, I can't wait till summer when the only thing I'll have to worry about is going to work. This whole working full time/going to school full time thing is getting really old. I need a break...and not one that happens when my body shuts down like it did today...a break! A real break, one I won't have to feel guilty about because I skipped class, or didn't do the homework I should've, or didn't go to work. Well, essentially...what I need is scheduled free time.
Only 4 more weeks and it's mine...
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
I never thought there could ever be a moment where I looked at Chris and thought "No," and yet, there are so many things that lead up to the inevitable. He was so much more before and now...he's so, gone. It's like his whole view of the world has hardened.
I knew from a conversation we had in the past that things between him and my good friend Eric were bad to say the least. Chris would say that he wants to "beat Eric's ass" for no apparant reason. Of course, I thought this little "bully" phase of his had passed. Wrong.
After work today a bunch of us went to the bar. It was supposed to be a great night. We all had had a long and tiring night and wanted nothing less then to have fun. I didn't notice Chris was even at the bar until I saw my friend Lisa come in and ran up to her and picked her up spinning her around, then all the sudden he appears. He was cute, amazed at how I picked up Lisa. We talked. We hugged. We kissed. I was so glad to see him after a week of thinking to myself "Wow, I really wish I was with Chris."
Then things got ugly. He was wasted. I couldn't let him drive and so I drove him. He was completely belligerent. I don't think I've ever seen him so drunk before and he was babbling about how he wanted to drive but I refused. I kept saying "Do you think I'm a liar?" "Do you think I would mislead you?" All those questions of which he answered no and I would explain "Well, I'm not lying. You're too drunk to drive and I care too much to let you."
My plan: to take him to Steak N Shake, get him something to eat, and take him home. Then somehow we end up going to Lisa's new apartment. It was supposed to be fun. It really was. And in my stary eyes all I could invision was us walking in together in such a sanctimonious way. It was all to be so perfect in my head.
Except, he embarassed the shit out of me. He was a total ass hole to Lisa. He was a total jerk to Eric. In fact, he was a complete jerk to everyone there and I was so humiliated to be with him. I found myself wishing that I could just snap my fingers and he'd disappear. After a while I was forced to just take him home because I couldn't deal with the way he was acting anymore.
As we left I started screaming at him in the parking lot about how he was being a drunken jack ass and he's all "That was my fault?" Of course it was. I look up and there's Eric outside overlooking us from the balcony. It was then that it dawned on me that Eric was the central issue with Chris when I waved bye to him and Chris mumbled under his breath "I can't believe you're fucking talking to him."
Needless to say our whole ride home was an argument. Not between us. But with him. Screaming at me about Eric and what an "ass hole" he is and how so many people "hate" him and would "beat his ass" for Chris. Eric, who Chris knows means a lot to me. Yet, no matter how many times I explained to him that he made me feel like an ass...that no matter how much I've disliked certain friends of his I never treated them in such a way. It didn't matter. There was no getting through to him.
Then Chris starting using some crazed anaology to a hold up at White Castle and how if I were behind the register when someone held me at gun point he would tell the guy "No you can't have the money fuck off," putting my life in danger for the point of being a 'man.'
I just couldn't believe any of the stuff he was saying. I was trying to be understanding but he was so irrational about everything that he said and when he'd try to kiss on my neck I felt like literally slugging him and throwing him out of my car.
What I don't understand is how someone so wonderful could turn into someone so awful. He's truly like Jackle and Hyde. I told him that he's changed, for the worse...and that I wish he could just go back to the great carefree loving life guy I met over a year ago. Things have just fallen so down with him tonight.
The first night I met Chris I was sitting on Eric's lap at a party. I don't remember him that night be he has never let me forget that I was sitting on Eric's lap blowing bubbles...bubbles that he claims he gave me. I know it's hurt his feelings in the past that I don't remember that night and I tried to explain to Chris that when I came back to Cincinnati Eric was the first person that I connected with. I tried to explain to him that the only reason I ever met him is because of my friendship with Eric. I just never thought I would end up faced with the decision of choosing between the two of them. It's so damn childish on Chris's part. I doubt I could ever look at him the same.
So when he left my car it was me being cold. I drove off before I was sure he got inside.
I just don't understand him, but I've decided that all the times we have had together, all the good times...they amount to nothing after tonight. He's not the person he is when it's just us. Alone he's wonderful but I'm so tired of the way he treats my friends. And for him to have this delusional drawn out "war" with Eric is the final straw.
If I have to make a choice, I'll make a choice. And it's not him.
like an innocent man on death row
i sit here waiting
if you even take notice as i bleed
for you could be the start
or the end of me
So I've been nervous for the next time I would be with Chris and the next time I would be with Jesse. But I could cross both those things off my list of things to worry about as last night I ran into both of them. It was like a tango of sorts...or rather, doging bullets. For Jesse to be sweet and nice and kissing on me. For Chris to be sweet and nice and kissing on me. Meanwhile, me trying so hard not to let the other one see. Of course, I was mainly concerned with Chris as I'm very conscious now of how much he hates me being with other guys in front of him. Yes, that is pretty selfish of him considering he won't exactly step up to the plate anymore when it comes to me but at the same time, I don't want to hurt him.
It was stressful. But then add a third guy into the picture. His name was Charlie or something, he was really nice but I wasn't exactly in the mood to be hit on by some stranger. So as Vanessa and I played our game of darts he was there grabbing on me and what not and I was starting to get annoyed because I'm looking around and seeing Jesse staring at me with a sad look and look around a little more to see Chris doing the same.
I would like to have the "go me" attitude that I should, but I don't. Instead I feel guilty, for even being in this situation. I'm literally stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one.
Eventually, while I was sitting with Chris, this guy comes up and tells me he's leaving but wants to exchange numbers. Chris turned away and acted like he wasn't listening but I know he was. I told the guy just to give me his but he insisted on getting mine so I quickly obliged. He asked me out for tonight and it was really awkward. But at the same time why should I say "No, you can't have my number cause this guy I'm sitting with right now likes me, and although he won't commit to me he's gonna get mad if I go out with you." Damn, the more I think about it that more mad it makes me at Chris. GRR!
I'm also mad at him because he treated my friend Vanessa like a complete jerk. It's so sad to me how I always get along with his friends and he merely says hi to her and then turns and starts a conversation with me completely shutting her out. I'm like, hello? She doesn't want to just sit there and listen to you and me talk about stupid bullshit. So I called him out on it while she was in the bathroom, not intending to sound accusing but just urging him to maybe include her in the conversation and he's all "Well, I guess I'm an ass hole aren't I?" and turns to our friends and was like "She says I'm an ass hole. Do you guys think I'm an ass hole? I am aren't I? I'm an ass hole." Of course, all my attempts at interjecting and saying he wasn't an ass hole but was just ignoring her didn't help the case any.
I guess last night was really a disaster. Not only because of the Jesse and Chris thing, the Charlie guy, and Chris being a jerk to my friend. It just seems that no matter how far I get with Chris something always goes wrong. So fine, I wanted him and I to be close again and we are...but it's still not the way I want it. It's still not the way it used to be. Why can't he just be the person I know he is? It's like he's trying to be someone he's not, and it's really starting to get old!
I do understand that I'm the one in control of my destiny. For this reason, I concluded that I was going to turn my life around. It's funny to me how I used to go out seven nights a week and now I spend pretty much seven nights a week laying around feeling sorry for myself. Even Eric last night was like "I'm glad to see you pulling yourself out of your cacoon again...she's back!" It has been fun. It has been. Yet, it only brings me back to what made me pull away in the first place...
I ran into Chris Thursday night. The past couple times I've seen him I've been a total bitch to him...in defense, because I know that he more then anyone has the power to lift me up but even more, has the power to break me down. So when he asked me how I was doing I was cold and gave him a sneer. Yet he was empathic, he was sweet. He was all "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you..." and of course my heart melts.
We ended up having a great night together and of course he said all the things I could only dream of him saying. He told me that he and Terra aren't dating and was flattered that I was jealous, and admitted that he's been jealous every time he sees me talk to another guy. Which is good because in essence, when I talk to another guy in front of Chris it's pretty much only to make him jealous.
I just don't understand why he can say that he likes me and there's no one else. Why he can say he wants to have kids with me and that I'm so beautiful and amazing. I just don't understand where these words come from and for him to only pull back in the end. He told me he knows that I'm right. That he's fucked up. I got him to mildly open up about whoever broke his heart before because it's so obvious to me that he's been broken by someone and is essentially...running shitless.
All I could say to him was that I would never hurt him. Which of course he argued that I've hurt him in the past. Then of course I argued back that it was only my way of reacting to his sudden change in behavior. He's not even friends with any of his old friends anymore for pete's sake! Something definitely changed in his head.
I don't know, it's just so hard to like him. I've faught so hard to get over him and I only end up back here. He's so wonderful that it seems impossible to ever truly move on. He did this to me. He made me this way!
Yesterday I awoke to those all familiar feelings of self doubt. It wasn't so much that I was hating myself but more the life I've been leading in recent weeks. Never before have I ever spent so much time doing absolutely nothing. Thus, I took it upon myself to call Krissy and put an end to my pity party. At her apartment I managed to get a really nice buzz going from Blue Moon and then we proceeded on to Stagges.
Jesse was there. Normally I'm glad to see him and enjoy the fact that he flirts with me but have absolutely no interest in hanging out with him otherwise. That wasn't the case. For some reason him kissing on my neck and rubbing my back was like pure ecstacy. Something in my head screamed Yes! Yes! and thus I invited him to leave with me.
The most awful thing about last night though is how I totally embarassed myself. While laying on the couch he started to initiate sex. Of course. I would expect nothing less and in fact that is what I'd invited him over for. But because I am such a deranged and twisted person, I started to panic. I honestly couldn't breathe and my heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to stop completely. Obviously he knew something was wrong, and he kept asking, only for me to say "Nothing. I'm fine. I'm just a little fucked up that's all," in return.
I wanted so badly to explain myself. To say the words, "I was raped and sometimes I just get scared" but the words just couldn't come out. It's stupid, after so long I've realized it wasn't my fault and yet I'm still so very ashamed to say those words.
After much persisting, I did eventually tell him: "I have issues. My dad used to beat me and then...some guy raped me." After saying that he of course was apologetic, but the whole time I felt even worse. It was like saying those words to him, in the vulnerable situation we were in, was all it took to make me completely spazz out. We ended up having sex, and it was me pursuing it, just because I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
I hate how I do that. I didn't want to have sex with him, really I just wanted to role over and go to sleep but I somehow click in my brain that all I can do is please them, despite my thoughts against it.
It was awful. After we were done we talked and laughed for a while, and he is really a nice guy. But as soon as he fell asleep I bolted. I just couldn't lay there next to him, he had told me "The best part of this is I'll role over in the morning and see you..." and was so sweet. It scared the hell out of me and I was so terribly embarassed by the way I had acted.
So once at home I just fell asleep and tried my best to pretend nothing happened. He's Chris's friend and I can only pray that Chris never finds out...that Jesse never says anything.
He's called three times today. I don't answer. I'm so humiliated. Why am I such a freak?
I've definitely reached new depths of patheticness. It's not like me pinning away for Jay and moping over Chris should totally consume my life, and yet...they do. When Jesse was hitting on meand saying how beautiful I am and asking me out on dates...gently kissing my neck, I cringe at the realization that it's him and not Jay. That it's him and not Chris six months ago when things were perfect.
I swear I have the worst timing known to man.
If only I could get things right for once, it's always all sorts of screwed up. And though I know I have so much else going for me and shouldn't really care about the fact that Jay just moved in with his 'girlfriend'...even though I have no idea why he's with her. It seems like he spends much more time with me anyway, but still. He is with her and I
should will move on. God, if only I could figure out a way how.
I really do just want to lay in my bed forever. Just lay there and let the whole world move around me. If I never get out of bed I will never get hurt again. It wouldn't matter. There I would be tucked under my down comforter as all the heartaches and saddness passed me by. I'd be in dreamland, which I can only assume is far better then this harsh reality I live in now.