||[Mar. 29th, 2006|02:36 pm]
like an innocent man on death row|
i sit here waiting
if you even take notice as i bleed
for you could be the start
or the end of me
So I've been nervous for the next time I would be with Chris and the next time I would be with Jesse. But I could cross both those things off my list of things to worry about as last night I ran into both of them. It was like a tango of sorts...or rather, doging bullets. For Jesse to be sweet and nice and kissing on me. For Chris to be sweet and nice and kissing on me. Meanwhile, me trying so hard not to let the other one see. Of course, I was mainly concerned with Chris as I'm very conscious now of how much he hates me being with other guys in front of him. Yes, that is pretty selfish of him considering he won't exactly step up to the plate anymore when it comes to me but at the same time, I don't want to hurt him.
It was stressful. But then add a third guy into the picture. His name was Charlie or something, he was really nice but I wasn't exactly in the mood to be hit on by some stranger. So as Vanessa and I played our game of darts he was there grabbing on me and what not and I was starting to get annoyed because I'm looking around and seeing Jesse staring at me with a sad look and look around a little more to see Chris doing the same.
I would like to have the "go me" attitude that I should, but I don't. Instead I feel guilty, for even being in this situation. I'm literally stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one.
Eventually, while I was sitting with Chris, this guy comes up and tells me he's leaving but wants to exchange numbers. Chris turned away and acted like he wasn't listening but I know he was. I told the guy just to give me his but he insisted on getting mine so I quickly obliged. He asked me out for tonight and it was really awkward. But at the same time why should I say "No, you can't have my number cause this guy I'm sitting with right now likes me, and although he won't commit to me he's gonna get mad if I go out with you." Damn, the more I think about it that more mad it makes me at Chris. GRR!
I'm also mad at him because he treated my friend Vanessa like a complete jerk. It's so sad to me how I always get along with his friends and he merely says hi to her and then turns and starts a conversation with me completely shutting her out. I'm like, hello? She doesn't want to just sit there and listen to you and me talk about stupid bullshit. So I called him out on it while she was in the bathroom, not intending to sound accusing but just urging him to maybe include her in the conversation and he's all "Well, I guess I'm an ass hole aren't I?" and turns to our friends and was like "She says I'm an ass hole. Do you guys think I'm an ass hole? I am aren't I? I'm an ass hole." Of course, all my attempts at interjecting and saying he wasn't an ass hole but was just ignoring her didn't help the case any.
I guess last night was really a disaster. Not only because of the Jesse and Chris thing, the Charlie guy, and Chris being a jerk to my friend. It just seems that no matter how far I get with Chris something always goes wrong. So fine, I wanted him and I to be close again and we are...but it's still not the way I want it. It's still not the way it used to be. Why can't he just be the person I know he is? It's like he's trying to be someone he's not, and it's really starting to get old!